Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I’m Struggling Too!
Today is a bad day. I wish I could say that I've never had one before, but bad days consume my life. I have no escape from them. Today is a day when I wonder… Where is the support for me
in-this-struggle?"
When a man asks a woman to wait for him while
he's in prison, does he realize what an incredible emotional sacrifice it is? Does he realize the pain and never-ending loneliness that attaches itself to her heart and soul? Does he realize that yes; we are in this struggle too?
When I made this choice to do this bit with my man I didn't know what it would mean to consciously hand over the control and happiness of my life…not to my man, but to an institution. From the very beginning, my man told me that I had the power in the relationship because I was the one who was free.
How am I free? What power do I have?
I buy my clothes according to what is
acceptable for visits. At anytime, I can go anywhere my heart desires, but my heart's desire is trapped within that prison compound. So, where am I going? I stalk the mailman and won't leave the house until he comes, waiting for a white envelope with that familiar handwriting that has taken the place of hugs and kisses. I check the phone several times a day to make sure it's working, waiting to hear it ring and see "unavailable" appear on the caller ID, a sight that has taken the place of the sound of my
doorbell or his car horn.
I set my watch to the clocks in the
prison. I schedule my bedtime around "Count." No, I don't have any power. The phone company has the power. The prison and the guards have all the power. Today, I feel helpless and out of control.
Today surely is a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.
Today, like most of my bad days that pass, I see a little bit of my life that has slipped away; another memory not made, another dream that doesn't come true. Another day my son wont know
what its like to have a father in his life, One more day my family is separated. One more day I'm without a real home. I am so often standing on the
line between sanity and insanity, I have to keep telling myself, "He's real, this is real, our love is real, and the end will come."
Today when he called I had to fight off the urge to beg him to come home to me. "Please come home. If you really loved me, you'd find a way." Today I blame him for keeping us apart. Today I am so very angry with him. Today is definitely a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.
A good day can turn bad in the blink of an eye, a tick of the clock, or a beat of my heart. I am on an emotional roller coaster that changes course without warning or consideration for my mental
state. It never asks permission. Attacks of loneliness, despair, confusion, and frustration hit me and consume me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every crevice of my body in
between. Some bad days I want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Sleep the days away. Some bad days I can't sleep or even eat. Sometimes I have to make my heart beat and my lungs take in oxygen.
Suicide is never a thought, but dying from loneliness is always a possibility.
Today I have no answers that make sense to me for the thousands of questions running through my head. My mind is cluttered with doubts and confusion and this makes my heart heavy with guilt and shame. How could I question the one real joy I have in my life? There are so many people who are lonely, without love and passion in their lives, so as difficult as this ordeal is, I know that what he
and I share is the most precious of all gifts.
But today, I can't remember all the unconditional love, support, and non-judgment that my man has bestowed upon me. Today I can't remember that my man is the only one who really understands and accepts me, and the good and the bad. Today, I can't remember all the desire and passion that my
man has brought out of me. Today, I can't remember that he plays no games, tells no lies, and wears our love like a badge of honor. Today, is obviously a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too!
While I wouldn't change one second, erase one tear, or forget heartache, I can truly understand why a woman would choose not to wait. The reality is that I am in prison too…I am also doing time and the only thing I am guilty of is being in love with my man.
For every one of us who stands by our man, that can endure the bad days and savor the good, there are many who can't. Many just don't even try. To the men whose women have chosen to move on, you
must always remember that there are always two sides to every story. Your women might not tell you what's in their hearts, but if you listen hard enough you can hear them. You can hear their confusion and their fear pleading with you to understand, to
forgive, to accept, and to remember…
Not every woman is strong enough to endure the bad days that the struggle brings.
Thank God, I'm strong enough!
Author Unknown
Today is a bad day. I wish I could say that I've never had one before, but bad days consume my life. I have no escape from them. Today is a day when I wonder… Where is the support for me
in-this-struggle?"
When a man asks a woman to wait for him while
he's in prison, does he realize what an incredible emotional sacrifice it is? Does he realize the pain and never-ending loneliness that attaches itself to her heart and soul? Does he realize that yes; we are in this struggle too?
When I made this choice to do this bit with my man I didn't know what it would mean to consciously hand over the control and happiness of my life…not to my man, but to an institution. From the very beginning, my man told me that I had the power in the relationship because I was the one who was free.
How am I free? What power do I have?
I buy my clothes according to what is
acceptable for visits. At anytime, I can go anywhere my heart desires, but my heart's desire is trapped within that prison compound. So, where am I going? I stalk the mailman and won't leave the house until he comes, waiting for a white envelope with that familiar handwriting that has taken the place of hugs and kisses. I check the phone several times a day to make sure it's working, waiting to hear it ring and see "unavailable" appear on the caller ID, a sight that has taken the place of the sound of my
doorbell or his car horn.
I set my watch to the clocks in the
prison. I schedule my bedtime around "Count." No, I don't have any power. The phone company has the power. The prison and the guards have all the power. Today, I feel helpless and out of control.
Today surely is a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.
Today, like most of my bad days that pass, I see a little bit of my life that has slipped away; another memory not made, another dream that doesn't come true. Another day my son wont know
what its like to have a father in his life, One more day my family is separated. One more day I'm without a real home. I am so often standing on the
line between sanity and insanity, I have to keep telling myself, "He's real, this is real, our love is real, and the end will come."
Today when he called I had to fight off the urge to beg him to come home to me. "Please come home. If you really loved me, you'd find a way." Today I blame him for keeping us apart. Today I am so very angry with him. Today is definitely a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.
A good day can turn bad in the blink of an eye, a tick of the clock, or a beat of my heart. I am on an emotional roller coaster that changes course without warning or consideration for my mental
state. It never asks permission. Attacks of loneliness, despair, confusion, and frustration hit me and consume me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every crevice of my body in
between. Some bad days I want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Sleep the days away. Some bad days I can't sleep or even eat. Sometimes I have to make my heart beat and my lungs take in oxygen.
Suicide is never a thought, but dying from loneliness is always a possibility.
Today I have no answers that make sense to me for the thousands of questions running through my head. My mind is cluttered with doubts and confusion and this makes my heart heavy with guilt and shame. How could I question the one real joy I have in my life? There are so many people who are lonely, without love and passion in their lives, so as difficult as this ordeal is, I know that what he
and I share is the most precious of all gifts.
But today, I can't remember all the unconditional love, support, and non-judgment that my man has bestowed upon me. Today I can't remember that my man is the only one who really understands and accepts me, and the good and the bad. Today, I can't remember all the desire and passion that my
man has brought out of me. Today, I can't remember that he plays no games, tells no lies, and wears our love like a badge of honor. Today, is obviously a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too!
While I wouldn't change one second, erase one tear, or forget heartache, I can truly understand why a woman would choose not to wait. The reality is that I am in prison too…I am also doing time and the only thing I am guilty of is being in love with my man.
For every one of us who stands by our man, that can endure the bad days and savor the good, there are many who can't. Many just don't even try. To the men whose women have chosen to move on, you
must always remember that there are always two sides to every story. Your women might not tell you what's in their hearts, but if you listen hard enough you can hear them. You can hear their confusion and their fear pleading with you to understand, to
forgive, to accept, and to remember…
Not every woman is strong enough to endure the bad days that the struggle brings.
Thank God, I'm strong enough!
Author Unknown
State prison populations, which have grown for nearly four decades, have begun to dip, according to a new report, largely because of recent efforts to keep parolees out of prison and reduce prison time for nonviolent offenders.
Multimedia
Graphic
A Slight Drop in Inmate PopulationState prisons held 1,403,091 people as of Jan. 1, nearly four-tenths of a percent fewer than a year before, the report said. Prison populations have fallen in 27 states in that period, while they have risen in 23.
“It’s too early to tell whether this is a tap of the brakes or a shift into reverse,” said Adam Gelb, the director of the public safety performance project of the Pew Center on the States in Washington, which produced the report. Still, Mr. Gelb said, seeing the state prison numbers dip for the first time since 1972 “took us a little bit by surprise,” he said.
In the same period, the population in federal prisons increased by nearly 3.4 percent.
The results broaden the conclusions in a report issued this month by the Sentencing Project, a research and advocacy group in Washington that looked at efforts to reduce the prison populations in Kansas, Michigan, New Jersey and New York. That report found that all four states had achieved reductions, with New York reaching a 20 percent reduction and New Jersey 19 percent over a decade.
Marc Mauer, the executive director of that group, said the reduction was actually overdue, since crime rates have declined for some 15 years. “That’s the puzzling piece — why did this take so long?” he asked. The lag, he said, was partly the result of longer sentences and partly because of tough standards in many states for revoking parole.
The Pew report noted that while the squeeze on state and local budgets had contributed to efforts to reduce prison populations, “financial pressures alone do not explain the decline.” At least part of the fall-off resulted from changes like California’s decision to reduce the number of low-risk people on parole returning to prison because of technical violations, and Texas’ decision to step up its residential and community-based treatment programs.
“If you had to single out the most common reform that we’re seeing,” Mr. Gelb said, “it’s various strategies to hold parole violators accountable, short of jamming them back into a $25,000-a-year, taxpayer-funded prison cell.”
Releases of prisoners, however, have been controversial. Crime Victims United of California, a nonprofit group, sued the state last month over its efforts to reduce the number of inmates in its prisons, claiming that releases driven by overcrowding would violate a 2008 voter initiative.
The new report does not deal with the prisoner levels in local jails. A 2009 report by the Pew center that did count local jail inmates concluded that 1 in 100 adults in the United States lives behind bars.
The new report concluded that whatever the long-term trends, with 1.6 million people in state and federal prisons and an estimated 700,000 in local jails, “the United States will continue to lead the world in incarceration for the foreseeable future.”
Multimedia
Graphic
A Slight Drop in Inmate PopulationState prisons held 1,403,091 people as of Jan. 1, nearly four-tenths of a percent fewer than a year before, the report said. Prison populations have fallen in 27 states in that period, while they have risen in 23.
“It’s too early to tell whether this is a tap of the brakes or a shift into reverse,” said Adam Gelb, the director of the public safety performance project of the Pew Center on the States in Washington, which produced the report. Still, Mr. Gelb said, seeing the state prison numbers dip for the first time since 1972 “took us a little bit by surprise,” he said.
In the same period, the population in federal prisons increased by nearly 3.4 percent.
The results broaden the conclusions in a report issued this month by the Sentencing Project, a research and advocacy group in Washington that looked at efforts to reduce the prison populations in Kansas, Michigan, New Jersey and New York. That report found that all four states had achieved reductions, with New York reaching a 20 percent reduction and New Jersey 19 percent over a decade.
Marc Mauer, the executive director of that group, said the reduction was actually overdue, since crime rates have declined for some 15 years. “That’s the puzzling piece — why did this take so long?” he asked. The lag, he said, was partly the result of longer sentences and partly because of tough standards in many states for revoking parole.
The Pew report noted that while the squeeze on state and local budgets had contributed to efforts to reduce prison populations, “financial pressures alone do not explain the decline.” At least part of the fall-off resulted from changes like California’s decision to reduce the number of low-risk people on parole returning to prison because of technical violations, and Texas’ decision to step up its residential and community-based treatment programs.
“If you had to single out the most common reform that we’re seeing,” Mr. Gelb said, “it’s various strategies to hold parole violators accountable, short of jamming them back into a $25,000-a-year, taxpayer-funded prison cell.”
Releases of prisoners, however, have been controversial. Crime Victims United of California, a nonprofit group, sued the state last month over its efforts to reduce the number of inmates in its prisons, claiming that releases driven by overcrowding would violate a 2008 voter initiative.
The new report does not deal with the prisoner levels in local jails. A 2009 report by the Pew center that did count local jail inmates concluded that 1 in 100 adults in the United States lives behind bars.
The new report concluded that whatever the long-term trends, with 1.6 million people in state and federal prisons and an estimated 700,000 in local jails, “the United States will continue to lead the world in incarceration for the foreseeable future.”
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Welcome
Welcome
This blog was created to be a resource to the wives and girl friends of the men incarated in the Ny state prison system. As a girlfriend of a man who has recently gone upstate I'm looking to network with all the women I can on what my first steps should be.
This blog was created to be a resource to the wives and girl friends of the men incarated in the Ny state prison system. As a girlfriend of a man who has recently gone upstate I'm looking to network with all the women I can on what my first steps should be.
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